The Honest Tease?

Imagine an ironic love machine. In private, I tease you. I mean all the off color things I say about you. And, depending upon the kind of person you are, you love every word, not because they are complimentary (often times they aren’t and when they are- completely double edged and ambiguous) but because I couldn’t have made these contentious remarks at all if I wasn’t completely and utterly fascinated by you. And ‘fascination,’ you might come to realize, is a far purer ante-cedent to affection than simple ‘approval’ or ‘agreement.’

Incontrovertible Proof of Asshole-Ness: A Conversation Between Our Own “Tony Eats Puppies” and Whateverishly.com’s “Stella Glass.”

“The Love That Does Not Know Its Name.”

Tonyeatspuppies: How should I refer to you in my blog? I have you as “ASHLEY,” “Ashley McCUNTRAGZ,” but maybe I should use your blog handle?

Stellaglass: Yeah. And then link to whateverishly.com

Tonyeatspuppies: What is your handle?

 Stella Glass: Stella Glass.

 Tonyeatspuppies: Sounds thin!

 Stellaglass: I know! It motivates me to reach my goal weight!

 

“Two Assholes, Fat and Thin.”

Tonyeatspuppies: [in a chirpy, cheerful fat girl voice] “Staying thin is okay for you, but I prefer to stay a ‘size ME.’”

 Stella Glass: HAHA!

 Stella Glass: [in a self righteous but really kind of defensive fat girl voice] “Hey, maybe I’m not perfect, but I’m a perfect ‘size ME’!”

 TonyEatsPuppies: Oh, fat people. . . What WILL you come up with next!? Will up be the ‘new down?’

Stella Glass: I know! Tell me the one about how your FAT thighs are beautiful, FAT GIRL!

 Tony Eats Puppies: Okay, here I go, [Desperately trying to be ‘sassy and sexy’ fat girl voice] “In some cultures, ‘cottage cheese’ is the preferred consistency of flesh!”  Wink Wink, growl!!!!!

Stella Glass:  [Any fat girl voice used above – Choose your favorite fat girl!] “Guys like it because it reminds them of food . . . and they LOVE eating!”

Tony Eats Puppies: Guys like it if when you are naked, your vagina isn’t obscured with stomach flesh because vaginas remind them of fucking . . . and they LOVE fucking!

Stella Glass: LOL You are the dev-ill!

 Stella Glass:  You are the voice of my most wrenching insecurities.

 Tony Eats Puppies: Don’t put your mother out of a job, now.  I’m your ‘personal Jesus,’ Judith.

 Ashley:  Judith! Judith!  Judith!

 

“Stella Glass and Tony Eats Puppies Reflect on the Sarah Lawrence College Creative Writing Program” or, alternately, “Two Assholes Work a Lame Metaphor to Death.”

Tony Eats Puppies: I am writing a blog about not being able to write. It’s pretty ‘meta.’ Prepare to be fascinated!

Stella Glass: I’m salivating, literarily speaking! That’s actually a really good way to get unblocked

Tony Eats Puppies: You said it! I can feel my flow getting heavier with each stroke of the key board. 

 Stella Glass: Some of my most publicly lauded works have come from that place.

Tony Eats Puppies: “That place. . . ” Snicker. Snicker.

Stella Glass: [in a nasal, self important, deluded SLC creative writing student voice] “You know, like , as a writer, I find that growing my work organically in the garden of my spirit and really approaching language from a place of genuine untarnished authenticity is what gives rise to some of my most resonant work. . . .”

“But that’s just me.”

Tony Eats Puppies: Good one. Sarah Lawrence Creative Writing was all about agriculture.  My class with Carolyn Ferrell was like ‘Green Acres’ or some shit. I, of course, was the Zsa Zsa.

Stella Glass: [the SLC creative writing voice again] “I don’t like to think of myself as a writer. I mean, everybody writes! My step-mom WRITES grocery lists for our maid. I prefer to think of myself as someone who nurtures stories, like a Word Farmer, almost!”

Tony Eats Puppies: Yeah, you were the only one in our class who came to workshop with seeds.

 Stella Glass: And a rake!

Tony Eats Puppies:  “Little did I know, I’d be the one who would ‘grow’ from the experience!”

Stella Glass: LOL! “Little did you know that my speech was the vitamin d you needed to galvanize the photosynthesis of our writing process!”

Tony Eats Puppies: [Sarah Lawrence College faux-Robin Williams Creative Writing Teacher voice] “You know what? I think this rough draft is SHIT!”

  “And by ‘shit,’ I mean . . .”

  “The fertilizer out of which you are going to grow a really, really awesome story!”

  “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

 Stella Glass: HAHAHAHA.

 Tony Eats Puppies: “We nurture our writers with laughter!”

 

“Stella Glass and Tony Eats Puppies Remember An Old School Chum.”

Stella Glass: Totally. Mockery was the soul food that I fed “Autumn Trees” for an entire semester,and look at her now!

Tony Eats Puppies: Uggh, I’d rather not look at her at all. . . .

Stella Glass:  You and me both my friend!!!

Tony Eats Puppies: I just remember our first “Coming Out Dance,” carrying her drunken ass up the hill when her tit flopped out at me.

Stella Glass: HAHAHHAHA

Tony Eats Puppies: And she was crying and moaning. . . And drooling.

Stella Glass: That did NOT happen! HAHAHAHA

Dude, I can’t stop laughing.

Tony Eats Puppies: And, what’s more, she REFUSED to return the tit to its proper receptacle. She insisted on staring at me with that third, pink eye!!!

COULD I MAKE THAT UP?!?!

 

“Remembering An Old School Chum: Part Deux” or “Look How Stella Can’t Roll With Her Own Metaphor.”

Stella Glass:  She just let her tit hang out?

Tony Eats Puppies: All of it, the entirety of a single boob.

 Like a pale, dry, spotted tongue

 Stella Glass: Ew, I bet it was an awful beached whale of a tit too!

 Tony Eats Puppies:  It was like that scene in the CRAFT when NANCY goes crazy at the beach.

Stella Glass:  Yeah, but Nancy’s tit doesn’t come out.

 Tony Eats Puppies: No, idiot, but she beaches all those sea mammals.

 Stella Glass:  Oh riiiiiiight.

 HAHAHAHAHA

 Tony Eats Puppies: The tits are the beached whales. It’s the metaphor you started.

 You are so dumb sometimes.

 

“Remembering Another School Chum:  This Time, No Boob.” 

 Stella Glass: Dude, that night I spent the wee hours with “Lady Priest” as she drunkenly sobbed on the hillside about wanting a boyfriend and all else that was wrong with the world . . .

 Tony Eats Puppies: Isn’t she a lesbo now?

 Stella Glass: Well, she’s dating a chick, last I heard. But that was a while ago

 Tony Eats Puppies:  Either way – Irony alert!!!

 Stella Glass:  Yeaaahhh!!!!

 Tony Eats Puppies: “Lady Priest” is officially the one thousandth spoon after we’ve needed a knife.

Stella Glass: What?

Tony Eats Puppies: It’s a reference to Alanis Morrisette’s  “Ironic.”

Stella Glass:  Oh jeez, I’m not sorry about missing that reference.

 

“Stella Glass and Tony Eats Puppies Take a Moment to Contemplate the Future.

 Stella Glass: When does “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” premiere?

Tony Eats Puppies: Not soon enough.

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